Well, it happened. For the first time since I’ve started this journey. I thought I was doing so good and making some progress and then it happened - this huge dark cloud hovers over me and drowns me in its rain that is self-doubt.
The thing about depression is that you can fall under these clouds for no reason, what so ever. Or, you can have a trigger. I, almost all of the time, have a trigger. My trigger is when my self-confidence drops. When this drops, everything follows suit. I start to focus on all the negativity in my life instead of the positivity (which there is a lot of). Now, you might be thinking – how hard can it be to just not think about the negative things? My answer to you is this – it’s really, ridiculously hard. It’s almost like there is this box that has every little piece of positivity inside of it, and this box, well this box is welded, super-glued, locked, and chained, and is undoubtedly inaccessible. I wish I had some sort of medical explanation as to why this happens – but I’ve got nothing. All I can do is try to explain it to you based on experience.
Depression is something that seems so simple, but is SO complex. I have been that person who could not understand how people couldn’t just pick themselves up and pull it together, life could always be worse. But here’s the thing – people don’t choose to have depression or anxiety or any mental illness. That is something that I think everyone neglects to think of; we do not ask to have episodes of sadness and anger, we do not beg to be given a demon to live life with – but we still live life.
I truly believe that everyone deals with their situations so differently and some people want to take the steps to make it better, and some just want to deal with it day-by-day. That is their choice. I personally want to fix it and make it end. I want it gone. Is this something that is even possible? Probably not, but I’m determined to try.
So how do you pull yourself out of the quick-sand? I don’t have the fool-proof answer to this. But here is a little something I learnt - Talk. As much as you do not want to talk about the way you’re feeling. As much as you think people won’t understand or they may think it’s ridiculous. Talk.
It is such a hard first step to take, but my god is it the best. If you don’t talk about it, you’ll never know the amount of people you have surrounding you that care; you’ll never really know how much love & support you have to get you out from under your dark cloud and into the sunshine.
I am not much of a talker myself when I’m going through something difficult, so I have found that writing is my outlet. If I need to talk about something, but physically cannot form the words, I write it in a letter. Hell, if you don’t write it to someone, write it to yourself. Getting your feelings out somehow, is going to be the best relief. I promise.
Lesson: never neglect your thoughts and feelings – they do matter. You matter.
Someone said to me, “the day is darkest before the dawn, Katie” – I’d heard this so many times before, but in that moment, it was clearer than it has ever been.
Never forget that there is always sunshine, you just have to find yours.
BW; BS; BH!
*Picture credit: Kreative Eye Studios