I can feel myself slipping. I’m slipping and I don’t know how to steady my feet on the ground.
What the fuck is it this time? There has to be a reason, there is always a reason for everything, for every emotion.
I sit here emotionless, on the outside at least, not knowing what to do. I feel drained – physically & emotionally. I’d like to lie in a dark room, in silence, and sleep. Sleep away this awful feeling.
There are days like today where I get so angry. I don’t understand this; I want it to go away. I know it will in time, but that isn’t enough. Days like today, I just want to give up.
It is like you are physically present, but you are emotionally absent. You are about as exciting as chewing on a cardboard box. Some days I don’t know whether to blame my emotions on a poor attitude, or to blame them on a bout of depression. I refuse to be someone who blames every mishap and bad day on depression because dammit, sometimes I am just having a bad day and I’m am very much entitled to be grumpy if I want to! But oh so often, the line between a bad day & a bad mood disorder becomes very blurry. Besides, not dealing with your emotions and having a scapegoat is way easier than actually taking the time to understand what’s going on.
Now, so many are going to read this and say – ‘oh no, poor Katie, I didn’t know she was so depressed’ or ‘wow, she always seems so happy’…
“Just as we tend to assume that the world is as we see it, we naively suppose that people are as we imagine them to be.” – Carl Jung
Just because people now know such an intimate part of my life, doesn’t mean that I am not the same person I was before you knew I lived with a mood disorder. Just because I live with this, doesn’t mean I AM such.
My bad days aren’t something I put on display like a dinosaur museum. I deal with them in privacy, and I do not step out and ask for people to see me as sad or to take pity. So yes, I always seem so happy because I AM HAPPY. When I write about a bad day, it doesn’t mean it happened yesterday, it could have happened a month ago. I write about it to create awareness and most importantly to let others, who struggle with a mood disorder, know that they are not alone.
Just because someone struggles with a mood disorders, does not mean that they are incapable of being happy – it just means that they struggle from time to time; as does every single person on this earth.
So, the next time you see someone that you know who struggles with a mood disorder – don’t view them differently, don’t offer pity, don’t walk on eggshells around them … treat them as a normal human being, because we are just that. Normal.